As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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