I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
