I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
