I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
