i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
MIDGETS
????
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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