Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
