Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
