Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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