Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Randomize
