I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
