Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
