I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
