FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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