Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
my liver is dry heaving
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
