I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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