My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
