omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
