Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
