hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
