You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
