shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize