listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
