You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
