Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
