I will die if light touches me.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
