I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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