Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
