pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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