Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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