sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
50% drunk capacity currently
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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