the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
