For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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