The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
