he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
