I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
