I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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