You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
