My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
