Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
