We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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