i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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