sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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