I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
