If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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