mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
