i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
