I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
