I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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