Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
