Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize