im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
