Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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