So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
