and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You have to summon your inner elephant
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
