I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize