Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
