The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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