I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
