I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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