id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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