I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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