Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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