just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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