he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
