so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Randomize
