Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
