fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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