peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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